You are an incompetent mother.
Your children should be taken away from you and put into day care.
They aren't safe with you.
You neglect and abuse them.
By the way, I need you to pull a double shift. I have a party to go to tonight. I'll be up early tomorrow too, so I can go sailboat racing.
?????
Anybody else confused?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
In almost exactly one month I will be moving into my very own condo.
No more scalding silences. My silences will be sweet and peaceful. Entirely my own.
No more scathing glares. I will only accept adoration. Or at the very least, respect.
No more fear. No more hiding. No more shame.
In one month I will begin building a better me. A prouder me. A LOUDER me!]
For now, gestation.
In one month.....BIRTH!
No more scalding silences. My silences will be sweet and peaceful. Entirely my own.
No more scathing glares. I will only accept adoration. Or at the very least, respect.
No more fear. No more hiding. No more shame.
In one month I will begin building a better me. A prouder me. A LOUDER me!]
For now, gestation.
In one month.....BIRTH!
My feet taste delicious, thank you!
Me: "X! Jon Voight is RIGHT BEHIND ME!"
He WAS right behind me too, about five feet back and chatting with a very sharply dressed woman.
X: "What???"
X peered over my shoulder in the most obvious fashion imagineable, squinting his eyes to take it all in.
Me: "JOHN VOIGHT. IS RIGHT. BEHIND ME!!!"
I gestured violently behind me with my thumb.
X: "Oh yeah. That IS Jon Voight."
At this point, I was as star-struck as a body can get. I peered over my shoulder in a manner something like this:
Would YOU be freaked if you were Jon Voight and some crazy housewife looked at you like that? He rolled his eyes and walked away.
The End.
Actually, not the end. That was just a prelude to my adventure last night in a Borders. I was struck again, and bad. I waited for weeks to meet and chat and bond and swap spit n' blood and.....anyway, I wanted Ree Drummond Pioneer Woman to sign my cookbook. I had it all planned.
Three days before zero hour I fell victim to the most foul sinus infection known to man. Secretions. 'Nuf said. Then my darling sweet little Pudd'n lost her shoes as we were walking out the door.
Me: "Pudd'n, where's your shoes?"
Pudd'n: "Dey wet!"
Me: "Where!? Where are they wet?"
Frantic searches of the entire house yielded naught. They must be in X's car.
Me: "Pudd'n, are they in Daddy's car???"
Pudd'n: "YEAH! "
So pudd'n went to the PW signing with no shoes. Thank heavens it wasn't Emily Post we were seeing. The line was long but the people were sooo sweet. They were all of 'em dressed to the nines however. I had garden dirt in my toe nails. I hoped Ree wouldn't look at my toes. Speakin' of garden dirt....Hi'ya Mary Beth! I loved talkin' container gardening with you! (If you're too embarassed to be affiliated with this blog, jest drop me a line. :)
By the time we got halfway through I realized the letter I had laborously hand written on beautiful linen stationary....was in my car. At home. SO I ran to the front and bought a notebook and paper and re-wrote my letter. It weren't as purty this time.
Pudd'n was filching chips and guacamole from a lovely lady a few back. Another lady gave her some stickers that she generously shared with the forehead of a CUTE baby boy also a few people back.
And then it was my turn.
And I......don't really remember what happened next. I think I chucked the fritos at her. (You know? Frito's? Charlie's paws??? *sigh* Never mind.) That made Pudd'n cry, so I had to hustle it up. Didn't help my nervousness. I did give her the letter. She signed my cookbook. I babbled SOMETHING at her for 3.5 seconds. Then retreated with my tail between my legs. Without getting my picture taken with her. :( So Ree, if you ever read this, I wanted sunshine and rainbows. Sorry if ah skeered'ja. Keep on keepin' it real!
Frannie
He WAS right behind me too, about five feet back and chatting with a very sharply dressed woman.
X: "What???"
X peered over my shoulder in the most obvious fashion imagineable, squinting his eyes to take it all in.
Me: "JOHN VOIGHT. IS RIGHT. BEHIND ME!!!"
I gestured violently behind me with my thumb.
X: "Oh yeah. That IS Jon Voight."
At this point, I was as star-struck as a body can get. I peered over my shoulder in a manner something like this:
Would YOU be freaked if you were Jon Voight and some crazy housewife looked at you like that? He rolled his eyes and walked away.
The End.
Actually, not the end. That was just a prelude to my adventure last night in a Borders. I was struck again, and bad. I waited for weeks to meet and chat and bond and swap spit n' blood and.....anyway, I wanted Ree Drummond Pioneer Woman to sign my cookbook. I had it all planned.
Three days before zero hour I fell victim to the most foul sinus infection known to man. Secretions. 'Nuf said. Then my darling sweet little Pudd'n lost her shoes as we were walking out the door.
Me: "Pudd'n, where's your shoes?"
Pudd'n: "Dey wet!"
Me: "Where!? Where are they wet?"
Frantic searches of the entire house yielded naught. They must be in X's car.
Me: "Pudd'n, are they in Daddy's car???"
Pudd'n: "YEAH! "
So pudd'n went to the PW signing with no shoes. Thank heavens it wasn't Emily Post we were seeing. The line was long but the people were sooo sweet. They were all of 'em dressed to the nines however. I had garden dirt in my toe nails. I hoped Ree wouldn't look at my toes. Speakin' of garden dirt....Hi'ya Mary Beth! I loved talkin' container gardening with you! (If you're too embarassed to be affiliated with this blog, jest drop me a line. :)
By the time we got halfway through I realized the letter I had laborously hand written on beautiful linen stationary....was in my car. At home. SO I ran to the front and bought a notebook and paper and re-wrote my letter. It weren't as purty this time.
Pudd'n was filching chips and guacamole from a lovely lady a few back. Another lady gave her some stickers that she generously shared with the forehead of a CUTE baby boy also a few people back.
And then it was my turn.
And I......don't really remember what happened next. I think I chucked the fritos at her. (You know? Frito's? Charlie's paws??? *sigh* Never mind.) That made Pudd'n cry, so I had to hustle it up. Didn't help my nervousness. I did give her the letter. She signed my cookbook. I babbled SOMETHING at her for 3.5 seconds. Then retreated with my tail between my legs. Without getting my picture taken with her. :( So Ree, if you ever read this, I wanted sunshine and rainbows. Sorry if ah skeered'ja. Keep on keepin' it real!
Frannie
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